I only write when I am falling in love, or falling apart.
I hate being in this position. I’m forcing myself to let go of the one person I need in my life. You’re the only thing that makes sense, but at the same time, the one thing that complicates me. I know that I’m better off without you, but I feel empty whenever I try to let go.
First of all, this is clearly a rant about my stupidity in all things in life and love.
Second of all, this is not as interesting as it sounds.
Lastly, if you’re still reading this, thank you.
I’m such a sucker for love. Has it ever happened to you? Falling deeply in love and then just when you’re ready to really give in to what you’re feeling, the other person aka “The One You Love”, leaves you all alone in your dreamland or fantasy or whatever you may call it. It’s not really funny when people tell you to get over it ‘cause you’re acting like a kid. Well, it is a little bit funny, but that is not the point. The point is, why do people make you feel loved when they don’t really mean it? I mean, why lead someone on when you’re just going to break their hearts? I’m not the one who looks funny here, you are. You’re really mean and maybe, unfortunately, a sadist. Okay, enough.
Boys and Girls. First, Boys, or men, why do some of you, courts a girl just to get in to their pants, and leaves them when you know you got them on your skin? In short explanation, why are you such a douche? It’s really not good to play with a girl’s heart and emotions, you know. You’ll get karma for sure. I’m saying this, in behalf of the girls who got cheated on or played on. It’s awful to just even think about getting cheated on, what more if it happens. So yes, it is excruciating and sometimes you’ll sulk it in for days, months or even years; there are times you’ll find it hard to fall in love again; But others will just have to forget and move on. It may be a long way into moving on, but you’ll get there. Second, Girls, if a guy/boy/man wants to court you just to get in to your pants, ignore them. They’ll totally leave you if you give in. I’m telling this to you, not because I’ve experienced it, but partly, yes. I’ve had an ex, who is a total douche bag and an absolute player. He wanted to get back with me, because “he loves me so much, he can’t forget about me”, and because, yes, let’s say it, (I’m on the right age) he wants my virginity or just sex. But being the intellectual that I am, I didn’t get back with him (‘cause I have that great self-control and beliefs about marriage before sex). I told myself, “If he is the one, he can wait for you.” (Yes, I believe in self-advice. Mostly ‘cause I’m really good at giving other people advice, just not good at applying them to myself)
Losers like Me. This one is about degrading myself, how I looked at myself and questioned everything. It’s a monologue, hope you don’t get confused. So, here it begins.
“Hey, Bi. (I call myself Bi, ‘cause I’m a self-diagnosed Bipolar and also a B—) what did you get yourself into this time? You are such a loser for love. Why did you have to fall in love with your best friend, or that guy, or that another guy, and yes that other one? Why? And now you’re wondering why you’re always the one who gets unrequited love. I feel such pity on you and the way you treat yourself. So easy, such a cliché. Why do you let people do that to you? Okay. Yes, I did it, I let them break down my walls and hurt me. I let them cheated on me. I let them make me feel loved. Because that’s who I am. The cliché. The girl who needs to experience love in its most unfortunate ways. Yes, I’ve been cheated on, always the one who gets unrequited love, always been taken for granted, always been the emotional one, always the masochist in love, always. I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve already accepted it. Or maybe.”
I have a lot of thoughts in mind right now but I kind of get them mixed up. So anyway, I’ll just have to think of a better word and construction. When I first started writing this up, I really didn’t know what to say, what to discuss, what to write about, etc. All I know is that my emotions is what’s driving me to compose this, and obviously, it starts and ends in love.
I’m just so fed up with my relationships that I need to blog it. I’m feeling really open right now to get you to read this freely and judge me.
I just don’t know what to do, what to decide in my life and in my relationships and it’s just really confusing. Maybe I’ve given up a long time ago, or got used to it. Maybe it has always been the wrong person and the wrong time. Maybe I’m just a completely disturbed person that needs attention (Hopefully not). Or maybe I just like being in love. Or falling in love. I don’t know why I have to experience love in the most painful way. But what I know is that love is just love. It has nothing to do with you, or who you’re with, or what you are, or what you’re doing with it, etc. It’s just love.
I lost. Definitely lost.
Okay, I’m out of words. And I’m out of here.